Blessing and Curse

I think I have a habit of reading to much into things, I feel with every ounce of my being so it is hard to let things go. I went away once and when I came home I heard " I'm glad your back, I don't know how to be alone" I am sure that is not what was meant but what stings it that I was never told I was missed but my "body" was missed. They now had to do the laundry, clean the house, deal with the dogs and bills. I wanted to be missed because I make them laugh or because they can't imagine life without me or even simply that they miss ME, not the human presence of me but me as a person.  In the weeks I was gone I did not  get one call that I did not initiate and not one email or text that wasn't about the bills or a problem that needed my input and that just doesn't seem right to me. I wait all day for him to come home and run errands with me and instead of understanding that I want his company all I get is why do I have to go - can't this be done during the day??? Yes it could no doubt about it, I certainly know how to drive and pay for my groceries but I like the company because when we are home it's all about playing games on the phone or staying in another room and not even realizing there are 3 other people here. I get accused of treating the dog better but honestly it is hard not to - the dog is always glad to see me, pays attention to me - he knows when I am happy because he wags his tail when I sing and he knows when I am sad because he doesn't leave my side. He knows me and loves me for me - happy, sad and crazy me he loves me for me.

I went to a funeral of a dear dear friend recently and I cant tell you how many times I heard how much he loved his wife, this of course was no secret but how wonderful to know so many people remember that about you. They were always doing things together and he worshipped the ground she walks on. I long for someone to worship me, to do stuff with me because they want to, not because I "make" them. I sit and think what would happen if I left and what happens if I stay and I am so lost. My friends question my sanity and I remind myself this is the trial in my life that I chose so there must be a reason but deep down I wonder where I went. The me that laughed and sang out loud and didn't care. Now I spend my days with the curtains closed and praying someone notices how lonely  I am. I am homesick for my family and friends who seem to be busy living and forget that it's nice to be noticed. I wasn't even invited to my brother's wedding and that was such a blow to me after all I had done for him and it made me question what is wrong with me that my own family doesn't see me but than I realized that they never did. I see posts on facebook that they are glad all the siblings are together or how they have great sisters and I am always the one missing from the picture, tag or get together. Over Christmas my sister went out with her friends after telling me we could do something, I waited and waited and she never came. I only found out because she slipped when she was talking to my grandma.  I know that it may seem petty but it goes back to both the blessing and curse of feeling so deeply about everything. I have such a big heart and tend to keep my  mouth closed so my words don't cut someone like words cut me. I hold it all in because I know what it is like to hear hurtful things and I don't want that for anyone.

I am loud and a bit crazy, I would rather go out to eat than cook and sleep rather than clean but I don't think this makes me a bad person. These things all get done just not always on a schedule. I have been known to do laundry at midnight and dishes after the late news but in my book all that matters is that it gets done, not what time of day I do it.  I want someone to admire that I stop to help strangers and give my own gloves to homeless people when I see them without because I know I have more at home. I don't want it to be seen as an inconvenience because I stopped the car to help out someone in an accident or took longer at the store because I was holding the door for someone who was slow to reach it. I think those things about me are good and rare and they are what make me who I am. I want to solve everyone's problems and can't help but feel sorry for those who have less than me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I read into what is said because I believe it isn't always what you say but how you say it and the tone of "I am glad your back" can say so much more than those silly little words.

Reflections

I think this time of year makes me think about things a little more than I normally do and I find myself paying more attention to the news and people in general.  Awhile ago I had lunch with an old friend and I remember leaving the lunch feeling so full of life. I had such an inner peace that I had not felt in such a long time and I wished that feeling could last forever. I knew that we were not the same people we were all those years ago when we were remembering the "good old days" but it was so nice to feel like myself again.  I wish I could repay my friend for giving me that "spark" back even for a few hours but I wouldn't even know where to begin - a Thank You just doesn't seem like enough....

In paying more attention to things  I heard a few stories that hurt my heart yet in a strange way gave me comfort. There was a horrific accident in the next town that ended up becoming a murder investigation and my first thought, as horrible as it was, was how thankful I was that I knew I was not going to be getting the call that my uncle was involved in yet another mess.  I was so sad to hear about the seemingly simple accident turning into a murder but the sense of relief was sadly overwhelming. My uncle fought so many demons at the end of his life and getting a phone call in the middle of the night saying he was involved in something this bizarre would not have surprised me.

 I had also heard of a man taking his life at the Mormon Temple in Las Vegas - that one broke my heart. I hope he found peace in going to the temple grounds for the last time yet I feel for his family in knowing how hard is it to know ( or maybe not) that no matter how hard you try to save someone sometimes you lose that battle. I can only pray that that man found some comfort in taking his last breaths in the place he felt "safe".

Next month will be 2 years since my uncle took his life and it is slowly getting easier but I miss him everyday - just last week I saw a shirt and said out loud "my Uncle Rick would have loved this shirt...."  Needless to say Erik looked at me like I was nuts :)  I pray he has found peace and I think every now and then if I listen I hear him tell me he has.....

I guess it's been about a week since my last post and since it is usually few and far between that I post I guess this is a bonus :) I just seem to have a lot on my mind lately... The last post seemed to have been met with some backlash and while my intent was not that - it was simply what it said - a need for me to vent - it ended up causing more problems which make me once again question things. I sent a personal email to the person whom I apparently offended with no response and when I defended that person to another I was met with backlash of why would I defend someone who obviously doesn't care enough to talk this out with me... It seems I find my self caught in the middle a lot lol I am who I am - I care too much at times and hold stuff in yet I am an open book full of contradictions I am a messy creature of habit and it creates drama which I hate but tend to thrive on/in. It is what it is whether I like it or not, it's how life me made me.

I am finding myself so incredibly sad lately at the news of all the suicides and maybe it is because suicide is just so messy or maybe it is because it is almost my Uncle's birthday I don't know but I find myself thinking of him more and more and missing him more than ever. I was cooking last night with something he gave me from my wedding over 15 years ago and felt that familiar lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and my heart was breaking as if he had killed himself yesterday. I feel like I take two steps forward and one step back. Maybe it 's because I feel like the family I had here abandoned me because I hurt their feelings by saying what I felt even though they tell me that they would rather hear the truth than a lie or maybe it's because I am so stressed out I can't think straight in general. I feel like I try so hard to not rock a boat yet I have just found myself swimming and someone forgot to toss me that ugly orange life preserver....

I just have to vent here for a minute so you will have to excuse me if this comes off as so incredibly wrong but I have simply had it..... I had waited so patiently - well patiently for me, for someone to hold up to what they said they would do to "help" me out and I have not seen it. I am so beyond frustrated I can't even put it into words. It has been over a year since a plan was put into motion and even though I feel that the plan was meant with the best of intentions the road to hell is most definitely paved with them. I know I sound ungrateful when I complain but from my eyes I don't see an effort being made and it is hurtful and frustrating.  I am beyond stuck between a rock and hard place and no one is there to grab my hand and help me out. I have no idea how I am supposed to get my kid's to two different schools at two different times with one car and one driver... It hit me today when I had to fill out paperwork for schools that I have absolutely no one to add as an emergency contact and it had me in tears and I am not a crier by any means but I never felt so alone as I did at that moment when I was staring at 5 empty lines and I had no one to list. I am hurt I am frustrated I am scared and I have no idea what to do to get my kids what they need and I am so tired of hearing that my kids will be fine if schools have to change - no they won't - I know my kids and what they have been through and changing schools just might send us all over the edge. They have been through more than any kid should and I refuse to make them deal with any more crap because  I made the mistake of believing in someone/something that is not going to happen.

I just want so badly for things to work out the way they should. I want to stop feeling so damn alone and my kids to stop feeling like "sloppy seconds" to everyone. I deserve to know if minds have changed, I deserve to be told the truth  no matter how bad it hurts and I deserve someone to hold my damn hand and help me move the rocks that keep trying to crush me.

Some Days...

Some days I wonder if people knew him better  they would hate him like I do. I see the stares they give me and hear the whispers behind my back and although I am strong the whispers and glares still cut like a knife. I used to be the one people flocked to like a moth to a flame now it's him and they have no idea what he is - the wolf in sheep's clothing.  I don't pretend to be someone I am not and maybe that is why my flame went out or maybe it's all the years of putting a smile on my face while I was  slowly dying inside. I can't help but feel so torn for those around us, they laugh and smile and all the while have no idea what is really happening.

I was so devastated the first time he cut me to the core and now I just roll my eyes and shake my head while I wonder how in the world I let myself get so tolerant of things. I want so badly to go back and get a do over but I wonder if I really would given the chance. I don't know if all this has  made me stronger or bitter - maybe both. I can empathize in ways I never could before and it has changed my view of the world and people in general.  The world  has become such a sad place and it is so hard to find the beauty in it all and when I do see it I want to share it with someone who sees it the way I do - a little scared but still beautiful. I want someone to see me as beautiful - inner and outer scars, they are what make me who I am. Some days I am weak, others days I am strong but everyday I am fighting to make a difference somewhere to someone - whispers and glares be damned.

Hope

I once heard that all someone needs to live is hope, I never quite understood that till now.  Today I found myself down on the floor gasping for air and crying so hard no sound was coming out. For those of you who know me  know that is quite the feat - I am NOT a crier, I am not a quitter, I am so much more than that but not today. Today I couldn't understand how I could hear the words " Your biopsy came back positive" and not bat an eyelash  but hearing the words I heard today could just cut me to the core. I felt so many, many things - I felt that I was not worth the effort, not worth the time or money that this "project" was going to involve, that basically I was worth NOTHING. I had lost my hope and that was all I had left.

 I needed this to work, it had to - if it didn't I was my mother and that is my worst fear in the world and today I became her. I am so used to putting my big girl panties on and facing what comes my way and maybe what I heard today hurt more because for the first time in a long time I put my faith in God to make it right, I was SO sure that all the times things hadn't worked out before were because this time it was meant to be, after all every single piece was coming together just right - I could feel it!!! I prayed and prayed and even threw in some begging and pleading for good measure because I wouldn't be me if I didn't but what killed me was just this morning how my sweet.sweet little stink was talking about how excited he would be to have this work... When I found out it wasn't my heart just broke for him - I felt so much like my mother and the fact that I see something that my kids need/want and I can't give that to them just kills me.  I also feel like her because as much as my heart is breaking I can't help but feel like I sound a bit ungrateful to those who were trying to help. I am certainly grateful but sometimes help means really listening to things that may not be said out loud  and I think it hurts because I felt that I wasn't being heard by someone who I thought understood my heart and my heart is not something I share easily.

I am at a loss on what to do next, I want so badly to pick myself up and move on and say screw it I am strong and I will figure it out - I have fought all my life and I refuse to give up now - not when my kids need this more than ever but I think my legs have grown tired and my soul is lost. I need to rest for a bit. The fighter in me is in a timeout at the moment so please don't take offense if the phone goes unanswered or I ignore the doorbell until I can figure out how to catch  my breath and pull myself up off the floor

Being Real

I have been hearing alot lately about people "being real"and this has made me think even more about who the "real me" is. I know I struggle with always wanting more than what I have. Bigger, better, more of whatever. The perfect example is when I went to someones house last week and in my rush to get everyone looking "just so"  I slipped on  a pair of shoes with no socks and went to a million dollar home where they asked everyone to remove their shoes. As one can imagine I nearly died considering that A) I am obsessed with socks and have a zillion pairs and B) my feet were in no way shape or form meant to see winter at that point in time. I have yet to figure out why I am uncomfortable in those type of situations because I know it was not just about my winter feet. The homeowners were not snooty uptight people so why was it I was feeling like less of a person in their mansion?

I try so hard to be "real" 24/7 which has found me in hot water more than once and just last night I found myself facing the harsh reality that being real is sometimes painful. I want so badly to be brutally honest with someone who has offered to help me only I know my words will get twisted and come across wrong and it will offend or hurt them. However, I feel that by not saying something I can't be me and that is almost as painful. I feel betrayed in a way because I think that we should be allowed to be real all the time, make mistakes and be allowed to say sorry and not worry about what will happen. Instead I am sitting here making myself sick over something I really have no control over. That being said I still wonder why when given choices we make them to please others instead of ourselves.

I unfriended a bunch of people on facebook last night because I couldn't take the "drama" anymore. I felt that truths were coming out on there that weren't in "real life" and it was upsetting to me. I have always felt like I was "sloppy seconds" and with things being said, as innocent as they may have been, I just didn't want to hear them. I know that it was probably not the best way to go about it but that is me being "real". I will walk away first because it stings a little less, trust me I know. I believe people when they say something and when their actions speak louder than words I know it is time to walk away. Should I call and ask what is REALLY going on? Probably but I know in my gut I will get the answer I want to hear, not the whole truth so based on past experiences I chose to go it alone.

Families are complicated and messy. I am used to being alone, I am good at it. I don't like but I am no longer afraid of it, it is my reality. I love my parents dearly but in my mind they chose others. My Dad ( although probably forced by my Mother) chose his other children over me. I am okay with that now, for the longest time I wasn't but I am now and that's what matters. My Mom, she chose my sister - always has, always will and that I will NEVER be okay with. I moved back to Utah to be with family and they left me and that hurts. I thought that I found a "family" where I was not "sloppy seconds" but with comments seen on facebook and actions speaking louder than words I see the light and I would NEVER EVER make that "family" choose me over another but  being second still hurts.

Before my uncle killed himself he once said to me "you aren't like the others" and I smiled because I half knew what he meant. When he died I fully knew what he meant. I am strong yet weak. I care to much and pretend to not care at all. I want to fix all the wrongs of the world but never go outside. I will always, always miss him and I will always hate that I can't be "real" enough to say what needs to be said to my family about that whole mess because I know it would kill them. I saw it from a perspective that they did not which is why I am "not like the others" so I guess I will continue to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for a little while longer while I continue to figure out the real me.....