I guess it's been about a week since my last post and since it is usually few and far between that I post I guess this is a bonus :) I just seem to have a lot on my mind lately... The last post seemed to have been met with some backlash and while my intent was not that - it was simply what it said - a need for me to vent - it ended up causing more problems which make me once again question things. I sent a personal email to the person whom I apparently offended with no response and when I defended that person to another I was met with backlash of why would I defend someone who obviously doesn't care enough to talk this out with me... It seems I find my self caught in the middle a lot lol I am who I am - I care too much at times and hold stuff in yet I am an open book full of contradictions I am a messy creature of habit and it creates drama which I hate but tend to thrive on/in. It is what it is whether I like it or not, it's how life me made me.

I am finding myself so incredibly sad lately at the news of all the suicides and maybe it is because suicide is just so messy or maybe it is because it is almost my Uncle's birthday I don't know but I find myself thinking of him more and more and missing him more than ever. I was cooking last night with something he gave me from my wedding over 15 years ago and felt that familiar lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and my heart was breaking as if he had killed himself yesterday. I feel like I take two steps forward and one step back. Maybe it 's because I feel like the family I had here abandoned me because I hurt their feelings by saying what I felt even though they tell me that they would rather hear the truth than a lie or maybe it's because I am so stressed out I can't think straight in general. I feel like I try so hard to not rock a boat yet I have just found myself swimming and someone forgot to toss me that ugly orange life preserver....