I saw someone the other night who unknowingly set off an awful chain of events. He had no idea what he had done but I wasn't quite sure how I felt to see him. I guess all the pieces were in place prior to him however he was the last piece to the puzzle and then the puzzle fell to the floor. My former self would have hit the ground running as soon as the puzzle scattered into a million pieces but this me felt as broken as the puzzle. I stood there with no idea what to do and wondering how it was I had lost myself so here my friends are some of the things I think I have experienced along the way that have made me the current me....
I guess it started around 17, I learned early not to rely on anyone, after all I lived out of a car for most of my senior year of high school because my mother just couldn't quite get it together. My sister was driving a pretty new truck, going to all the fancy places her heart desired, wearing all the latest clothes all while I was wondering which boyfriend my mother was going to drag me off to see next. My parents divorced when I was 2 so it was a constant parade of boyfriends. My mom was by no means a whore but her choice in men was certainly questionable at times, God knows I love her but holy moly did she really have to swear to marry a man with a shiny gold Cadillac????
I moved to Boston at 18 and from then on I was on my own in every way possible. I ended up being a nanny in North Carolina and that family was probably the closest thing I had ever had to a family at that point and heaven knows I caused them their fair share of grief since the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That being said while I was in NC I met the most wonderful person I had ever met. I do not consider myself a religious person by any means due to my crazy upbringing but one day I got up, got dressed and sat my butt in a Mormon church for the first time in probably 10 years. It was certainly a moment to remember. That day I met someone I still consider a "soul mate" even though we no longer talk. That person taught me so many things that I will forever be grateful for, yet they also taught me that yet again I can not count on anyone to do what they say, promises will always be broken.
I got married to someone else, had two beautiful kids and look back at all the times I was disappointed in life and lied to and I think to myself I finally understand the difference between empathy and sympathy , I mean REALLY understand it. I don't trust people because I have been hurt. I am not talking about the kind of hurt that you just say it's OK, but the kind of hurt that breaks your soul. I don't love because it hurts. It shouldn't but it does. I don't forgive because every time I do it seems the past really isn't the past, the person I seem to forgive just never seems to learn the lesson. I don't pretend to sweep it under the rug and pretend it isn't there, I know it is and when I see people like I did the other night it brings it right to the front of my mind. How did I deserve what I got in all this, what is it I did wrong? I guess it is because I let my guard down for a bit which doesn't happen often. When I let you in, I let you in. When I love you, I love all of you. That is just who I am. I love hard and I hate harder. My former self would have laughed in the face of adversity, most likely with my middle finger in the air saying come get me - I've got this!!!! This new me, well I don't really know. I am still trying to figure out how I got here and how to forgive the sinner but not the sin.....
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Crazy Christmas
I have to say that all this technology stuff makes me nuts but not quite as nuts as not being understood. That being said, let's begin the ramblings of Jen. Follow if you want it doesn't matter to me because those that know me know I talk whether you listen or not :)
The first "topic" I do believe will be this blasted holiday season and how truly crazy it makes me of late. Everyone is on my case because I don't want to shop, I don't want to decorate and to be painfully honest I really just want to hide in a hole and wait for next year - maybe by next year the memories of last year won't be so bad. What everyone seems to be forgetting is that last year I was sitting in court all day, I was trying find a way to make nice with the Uncle who beat up my mother and was stalking me to get to her while scaring the crap out of my kids. The Uncle who was a tad dramatic but who in my family isn't :) My mom and grandparents moved 2,000 miles away to separate my mom and uncle and I was left to pick up the pieces because as usual I am supposed to be the strong one only this time I had no idea how to be strong. I wanted so badly to make sure my Uncle was okay but I couldn't do that without hurting my mom and possibly myself, not to mention my children. He was not in his right mind, the alcohol and drugs had won and I knew that even though I "saw" my uncle it wasn't him I was seeing.
Thanksgiving came and went as did all the court dates I was getting SO tired off all the drama and just wanted to see it all end but never ever did I want it to end the way it did and I am not sure that this time of year will ever be happy for me again so I wish people would stop expecting the damn tree and a Merry Freaking Christmas to fly out of my mouth because I am just not sure when or if it will happen. For those who do not know all the sordid details get ready because here most of them come....
On December 21st I was standing at Shopko picking up prescriptions and my phone rang and I almost didn't answer since I was not in the mood to have a long drawn out conversation with my mother ( sorry mom ) I answered and I never heard her speak only make a noise I had never heard. I kept saying hello, hello..... All she could say was Rick. I had no idea what that meant but at the same time my heart sunk and I went into this strange mode that I go into which my family says is my "survival mode" where I am not really me and I just do what I need to do and I have no idea what I say or do but I do it and then "collapse" after which I guess in this case was not such a bad thing. I managed to get the words Orem Police and shot in the head out of her and that was all. I remember my mouth getting dry and my legs getting weak but thinking I have to find where the boys are and get their pills oh and get to Ricks, he needs me.....
I don't really remember much about the drive to his house which is only 15 minutes away but I got there and there were so many police cars and his friend whom I had only met once at court and he said immediately he's laying right there.... and I thought what?! Who says that? Then an officer came out and spoke with me and I will never forget the smell when he opened that door. I hate that my family made me stay to be the strong one, why couldn't I be the pretty one or the funny one or any other one but the strong one. Why was I the one born with a strong survival instinct as they put it. Sometimes I don't want to be the fighter, I want someone to do it for me and that night no one did.
It was so cold and snowy and there were so many questions and so many people and I just could not wrap my head around things. I remember one officer saying he remembered Rick and how sad it was for him as an officer to watch as my Uncle went downhill and I think I said something like it wasn't my Uncle it was the demons or something stupid like that. I truly believe to this day that the body inside my Uncle's house that night with a bullet in his brain wasn't really my Uncle. My Uncle never would have made me come stand in a pool of his blood 4 days before Christmas but those damn demons he carried within sure as hell would. The alcohol and drugs sure made a mess and it makes me so beyond angry when I see someone headed that way and I know I can't stop it.
My grandparents, sister and mom drove out from Oklahoma shortly after my uncle's death only to be met with more drama. I won't go in to all of that but what hurts most about that is we have no body to bury or "visit", no memorabilia to have, just angry words and hurtful actions that can never be taken back. I tried in vain to do what I could to stop what happened from happening but I couldn't and that will haunt me forever because of who I am but I think what I want most at this time of year is for people to understand I don't want to look at a tree, I don't want to sing Christmas carols or shop for presents. I want someone to understand my pain and my hurt. I want to stop getting choked up when I pass someone who smells of the same cigarettes my Uncle smoked. I want to stop finding random things in my house that he gave my boys before things went to hell. I miss him and it breaks my heart and for someone like me who is used to having her heart broken a little understanding shouldn't be to much to ask.....
The first "topic" I do believe will be this blasted holiday season and how truly crazy it makes me of late. Everyone is on my case because I don't want to shop, I don't want to decorate and to be painfully honest I really just want to hide in a hole and wait for next year - maybe by next year the memories of last year won't be so bad. What everyone seems to be forgetting is that last year I was sitting in court all day, I was trying find a way to make nice with the Uncle who beat up my mother and was stalking me to get to her while scaring the crap out of my kids. The Uncle who was a tad dramatic but who in my family isn't :) My mom and grandparents moved 2,000 miles away to separate my mom and uncle and I was left to pick up the pieces because as usual I am supposed to be the strong one only this time I had no idea how to be strong. I wanted so badly to make sure my Uncle was okay but I couldn't do that without hurting my mom and possibly myself, not to mention my children. He was not in his right mind, the alcohol and drugs had won and I knew that even though I "saw" my uncle it wasn't him I was seeing.
Thanksgiving came and went as did all the court dates I was getting SO tired off all the drama and just wanted to see it all end but never ever did I want it to end the way it did and I am not sure that this time of year will ever be happy for me again so I wish people would stop expecting the damn tree and a Merry Freaking Christmas to fly out of my mouth because I am just not sure when or if it will happen. For those who do not know all the sordid details get ready because here most of them come....
On December 21st I was standing at Shopko picking up prescriptions and my phone rang and I almost didn't answer since I was not in the mood to have a long drawn out conversation with my mother ( sorry mom ) I answered and I never heard her speak only make a noise I had never heard. I kept saying hello, hello..... All she could say was Rick. I had no idea what that meant but at the same time my heart sunk and I went into this strange mode that I go into which my family says is my "survival mode" where I am not really me and I just do what I need to do and I have no idea what I say or do but I do it and then "collapse" after which I guess in this case was not such a bad thing. I managed to get the words Orem Police and shot in the head out of her and that was all. I remember my mouth getting dry and my legs getting weak but thinking I have to find where the boys are and get their pills oh and get to Ricks, he needs me.....
I don't really remember much about the drive to his house which is only 15 minutes away but I got there and there were so many police cars and his friend whom I had only met once at court and he said immediately he's laying right there.... and I thought what?! Who says that? Then an officer came out and spoke with me and I will never forget the smell when he opened that door. I hate that my family made me stay to be the strong one, why couldn't I be the pretty one or the funny one or any other one but the strong one. Why was I the one born with a strong survival instinct as they put it. Sometimes I don't want to be the fighter, I want someone to do it for me and that night no one did.
It was so cold and snowy and there were so many questions and so many people and I just could not wrap my head around things. I remember one officer saying he remembered Rick and how sad it was for him as an officer to watch as my Uncle went downhill and I think I said something like it wasn't my Uncle it was the demons or something stupid like that. I truly believe to this day that the body inside my Uncle's house that night with a bullet in his brain wasn't really my Uncle. My Uncle never would have made me come stand in a pool of his blood 4 days before Christmas but those damn demons he carried within sure as hell would. The alcohol and drugs sure made a mess and it makes me so beyond angry when I see someone headed that way and I know I can't stop it.
My grandparents, sister and mom drove out from Oklahoma shortly after my uncle's death only to be met with more drama. I won't go in to all of that but what hurts most about that is we have no body to bury or "visit", no memorabilia to have, just angry words and hurtful actions that can never be taken back. I tried in vain to do what I could to stop what happened from happening but I couldn't and that will haunt me forever because of who I am but I think what I want most at this time of year is for people to understand I don't want to look at a tree, I don't want to sing Christmas carols or shop for presents. I want someone to understand my pain and my hurt. I want to stop getting choked up when I pass someone who smells of the same cigarettes my Uncle smoked. I want to stop finding random things in my house that he gave my boys before things went to hell. I miss him and it breaks my heart and for someone like me who is used to having her heart broken a little understanding shouldn't be to much to ask.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)