I saw someone the other night who unknowingly set off an awful chain of events. He had no idea what he had done but I wasn't quite sure how I felt to see him. I guess all the pieces were in place prior to him however he was the last piece to the puzzle and then the puzzle fell to the floor. My former self would have hit the ground running as soon as the puzzle scattered into a million pieces but this me felt as broken as the puzzle. I stood there with no idea what to do and wondering how it was I had lost myself so here my friends are some of the things I think I have experienced along the way that have made me the current me....
I guess it started around 17, I learned early not to rely on anyone, after all I lived out of a car for most of my senior year of high school because my mother just couldn't quite get it together. My sister was driving a pretty new truck, going to all the fancy places her heart desired, wearing all the latest clothes all while I was wondering which boyfriend my mother was going to drag me off to see next. My parents divorced when I was 2 so it was a constant parade of boyfriends. My mom was by no means a whore but her choice in men was certainly questionable at times, God knows I love her but holy moly did she really have to swear to marry a man with a shiny gold Cadillac????
I moved to Boston at 18 and from then on I was on my own in every way possible. I ended up being a nanny in North Carolina and that family was probably the closest thing I had ever had to a family at that point and heaven knows I caused them their fair share of grief since the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That being said while I was in NC I met the most wonderful person I had ever met. I do not consider myself a religious person by any means due to my crazy upbringing but one day I got up, got dressed and sat my butt in a Mormon church for the first time in probably 10 years. It was certainly a moment to remember. That day I met someone I still consider a "soul mate" even though we no longer talk. That person taught me so many things that I will forever be grateful for, yet they also taught me that yet again I can not count on anyone to do what they say, promises will always be broken.
I got married to someone else, had two beautiful kids and look back at all the times I was disappointed in life and lied to and I think to myself I finally understand the difference between empathy and sympathy , I mean REALLY understand it. I don't trust people because I have been hurt. I am not talking about the kind of hurt that you just say it's OK, but the kind of hurt that breaks your soul. I don't love because it hurts. It shouldn't but it does. I don't forgive because every time I do it seems the past really isn't the past, the person I seem to forgive just never seems to learn the lesson. I don't pretend to sweep it under the rug and pretend it isn't there, I know it is and when I see people like I did the other night it brings it right to the front of my mind. How did I deserve what I got in all this, what is it I did wrong? I guess it is because I let my guard down for a bit which doesn't happen often. When I let you in, I let you in. When I love you, I love all of you. That is just who I am. I love hard and I hate harder. My former self would have laughed in the face of adversity, most likely with my middle finger in the air saying come get me - I've got this!!!! This new me, well I don't really know. I am still trying to figure out how I got here and how to forgive the sinner but not the sin.....
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