I have to say that all this technology stuff makes me nuts but not quite as nuts as not being understood. That being said, let's begin the ramblings of Jen. Follow if you want it doesn't matter to me because those that know me know I talk whether you listen or not :)
The first "topic" I do believe will be this blasted holiday season and how truly crazy it makes me of late. Everyone is on my case because I don't want to shop, I don't want to decorate and to be painfully honest I really just want to hide in a hole and wait for next year - maybe by next year the memories of last year won't be so bad. What everyone seems to be forgetting is that last year I was sitting in court all day, I was trying find a way to make nice with the Uncle who beat up my mother and was stalking me to get to her while scaring the crap out of my kids. The Uncle who was a tad dramatic but who in my family isn't :) My mom and grandparents moved 2,000 miles away to separate my mom and uncle and I was left to pick up the pieces because as usual I am supposed to be the strong one only this time I had no idea how to be strong. I wanted so badly to make sure my Uncle was okay but I couldn't do that without hurting my mom and possibly myself, not to mention my children. He was not in his right mind, the alcohol and drugs had won and I knew that even though I "saw" my uncle it wasn't him I was seeing.
Thanksgiving came and went as did all the court dates I was getting SO tired off all the drama and just wanted to see it all end but never ever did I want it to end the way it did and I am not sure that this time of year will ever be happy for me again so I wish people would stop expecting the damn tree and a Merry Freaking Christmas to fly out of my mouth because I am just not sure when or if it will happen. For those who do not know all the sordid details get ready because here most of them come....
On December 21st I was standing at Shopko picking up prescriptions and my phone rang and I almost didn't answer since I was not in the mood to have a long drawn out conversation with my mother ( sorry mom ) I answered and I never heard her speak only make a noise I had never heard. I kept saying hello, hello..... All she could say was Rick. I had no idea what that meant but at the same time my heart sunk and I went into this strange mode that I go into which my family says is my "survival mode" where I am not really me and I just do what I need to do and I have no idea what I say or do but I do it and then "collapse" after which I guess in this case was not such a bad thing. I managed to get the words Orem Police and shot in the head out of her and that was all. I remember my mouth getting dry and my legs getting weak but thinking I have to find where the boys are and get their pills oh and get to Ricks, he needs me.....
I don't really remember much about the drive to his house which is only 15 minutes away but I got there and there were so many police cars and his friend whom I had only met once at court and he said immediately he's laying right there.... and I thought what?! Who says that? Then an officer came out and spoke with me and I will never forget the smell when he opened that door. I hate that my family made me stay to be the strong one, why couldn't I be the pretty one or the funny one or any other one but the strong one. Why was I the one born with a strong survival instinct as they put it. Sometimes I don't want to be the fighter, I want someone to do it for me and that night no one did.
It was so cold and snowy and there were so many questions and so many people and I just could not wrap my head around things. I remember one officer saying he remembered Rick and how sad it was for him as an officer to watch as my Uncle went downhill and I think I said something like it wasn't my Uncle it was the demons or something stupid like that. I truly believe to this day that the body inside my Uncle's house that night with a bullet in his brain wasn't really my Uncle. My Uncle never would have made me come stand in a pool of his blood 4 days before Christmas but those damn demons he carried within sure as hell would. The alcohol and drugs sure made a mess and it makes me so beyond angry when I see someone headed that way and I know I can't stop it.
My grandparents, sister and mom drove out from Oklahoma shortly after my uncle's death only to be met with more drama. I won't go in to all of that but what hurts most about that is we have no body to bury or "visit", no memorabilia to have, just angry words and hurtful actions that can never be taken back. I tried in vain to do what I could to stop what happened from happening but I couldn't and that will haunt me forever because of who I am but I think what I want most at this time of year is for people to understand I don't want to look at a tree, I don't want to sing Christmas carols or shop for presents. I want someone to understand my pain and my hurt. I want to stop getting choked up when I pass someone who smells of the same cigarettes my Uncle smoked. I want to stop finding random things in my house that he gave my boys before things went to hell. I miss him and it breaks my heart and for someone like me who is used to having her heart broken a little understanding shouldn't be to much to ask.....
