I once heard that all someone needs to live is hope, I never quite understood that till now. Today I found myself down on the floor gasping for air and crying so hard no sound was coming out. For those of you who know me know that is quite the feat - I am NOT a crier, I am not a quitter, I am so much more than that but not today. Today I couldn't understand how I could hear the words " Your biopsy came back positive" and not bat an eyelash but hearing the words I heard today could just cut me to the core. I felt so many, many things - I felt that I was not worth the effort, not worth the time or money that this "project" was going to involve, that basically I was worth NOTHING. I had lost my hope and that was all I had left.
I needed this to work, it had to - if it didn't I was my mother and that is my worst fear in the world and today I became her. I am so used to putting my big girl panties on and facing what comes my way and maybe what I heard today hurt more because for the first time in a long time I put my faith in God to make it right, I was SO sure that all the times things hadn't worked out before were because this time it was meant to be, after all every single piece was coming together just right - I could feel it!!! I prayed and prayed and even threw in some begging and pleading for good measure because I wouldn't be me if I didn't but what killed me was just this morning how my sweet.sweet little stink was talking about how excited he would be to have this work... When I found out it wasn't my heart just broke for him - I felt so much like my mother and the fact that I see something that my kids need/want and I can't give that to them just kills me. I also feel like her because as much as my heart is breaking I can't help but feel like I sound a bit ungrateful to those who were trying to help. I am certainly grateful but sometimes help means really listening to things that may not be said out loud and I think it hurts because I felt that I wasn't being heard by someone who I thought understood my heart and my heart is not something I share easily.
I am at a loss on what to do next, I want so badly to pick myself up and move on and say screw it I am strong and I will figure it out - I have fought all my life and I refuse to give up now - not when my kids need this more than ever but I think my legs have grown tired and my soul is lost. I need to rest for a bit. The fighter in me is in a timeout at the moment so please don't take offense if the phone goes unanswered or I ignore the doorbell until I can figure out how to catch my breath and pull myself up off the floor
