I guess it's been about a week since my last post and since it is usually few and far between that I post I guess this is a bonus :) I just seem to have a lot on my mind lately... The last post seemed to have been met with some backlash and while my intent was not that - it was simply what it said - a need for me to vent - it ended up causing more problems which make me once again question things. I sent a personal email to the person whom I apparently offended with no response and when I defended that person to another I was met with backlash of why would I defend someone who obviously doesn't care enough to talk this out with me... It seems I find my self caught in the middle a lot lol I am who I am - I care too much at times and hold stuff in yet I am an open book full of contradictions I am a messy creature of habit and it creates drama which I hate but tend to thrive on/in. It is what it is whether I like it or not, it's how life me made me.

I am finding myself so incredibly sad lately at the news of all the suicides and maybe it is because suicide is just so messy or maybe it is because it is almost my Uncle's birthday I don't know but I find myself thinking of him more and more and missing him more than ever. I was cooking last night with something he gave me from my wedding over 15 years ago and felt that familiar lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and my heart was breaking as if he had killed himself yesterday. I feel like I take two steps forward and one step back. Maybe it 's because I feel like the family I had here abandoned me because I hurt their feelings by saying what I felt even though they tell me that they would rather hear the truth than a lie or maybe it's because I am so stressed out I can't think straight in general. I feel like I try so hard to not rock a boat yet I have just found myself swimming and someone forgot to toss me that ugly orange life preserver....

I just have to vent here for a minute so you will have to excuse me if this comes off as so incredibly wrong but I have simply had it..... I had waited so patiently - well patiently for me, for someone to hold up to what they said they would do to "help" me out and I have not seen it. I am so beyond frustrated I can't even put it into words. It has been over a year since a plan was put into motion and even though I feel that the plan was meant with the best of intentions the road to hell is most definitely paved with them. I know I sound ungrateful when I complain but from my eyes I don't see an effort being made and it is hurtful and frustrating.  I am beyond stuck between a rock and hard place and no one is there to grab my hand and help me out. I have no idea how I am supposed to get my kid's to two different schools at two different times with one car and one driver... It hit me today when I had to fill out paperwork for schools that I have absolutely no one to add as an emergency contact and it had me in tears and I am not a crier by any means but I never felt so alone as I did at that moment when I was staring at 5 empty lines and I had no one to list. I am hurt I am frustrated I am scared and I have no idea what to do to get my kids what they need and I am so tired of hearing that my kids will be fine if schools have to change - no they won't - I know my kids and what they have been through and changing schools just might send us all over the edge. They have been through more than any kid should and I refuse to make them deal with any more crap because  I made the mistake of believing in someone/something that is not going to happen.

I just want so badly for things to work out the way they should. I want to stop feeling so damn alone and my kids to stop feeling like "sloppy seconds" to everyone. I deserve to know if minds have changed, I deserve to be told the truth  no matter how bad it hurts and I deserve someone to hold my damn hand and help me move the rocks that keep trying to crush me.