Being Real

I have been hearing alot lately about people "being real"and this has made me think even more about who the "real me" is. I know I struggle with always wanting more than what I have. Bigger, better, more of whatever. The perfect example is when I went to someones house last week and in my rush to get everyone looking "just so"  I slipped on  a pair of shoes with no socks and went to a million dollar home where they asked everyone to remove their shoes. As one can imagine I nearly died considering that A) I am obsessed with socks and have a zillion pairs and B) my feet were in no way shape or form meant to see winter at that point in time. I have yet to figure out why I am uncomfortable in those type of situations because I know it was not just about my winter feet. The homeowners were not snooty uptight people so why was it I was feeling like less of a person in their mansion?

I try so hard to be "real" 24/7 which has found me in hot water more than once and just last night I found myself facing the harsh reality that being real is sometimes painful. I want so badly to be brutally honest with someone who has offered to help me only I know my words will get twisted and come across wrong and it will offend or hurt them. However, I feel that by not saying something I can't be me and that is almost as painful. I feel betrayed in a way because I think that we should be allowed to be real all the time, make mistakes and be allowed to say sorry and not worry about what will happen. Instead I am sitting here making myself sick over something I really have no control over. That being said I still wonder why when given choices we make them to please others instead of ourselves.

I unfriended a bunch of people on facebook last night because I couldn't take the "drama" anymore. I felt that truths were coming out on there that weren't in "real life" and it was upsetting to me. I have always felt like I was "sloppy seconds" and with things being said, as innocent as they may have been, I just didn't want to hear them. I know that it was probably not the best way to go about it but that is me being "real". I will walk away first because it stings a little less, trust me I know. I believe people when they say something and when their actions speak louder than words I know it is time to walk away. Should I call and ask what is REALLY going on? Probably but I know in my gut I will get the answer I want to hear, not the whole truth so based on past experiences I chose to go it alone.

Families are complicated and messy. I am used to being alone, I am good at it. I don't like but I am no longer afraid of it, it is my reality. I love my parents dearly but in my mind they chose others. My Dad ( although probably forced by my Mother) chose his other children over me. I am okay with that now, for the longest time I wasn't but I am now and that's what matters. My Mom, she chose my sister - always has, always will and that I will NEVER be okay with. I moved back to Utah to be with family and they left me and that hurts. I thought that I found a "family" where I was not "sloppy seconds" but with comments seen on facebook and actions speaking louder than words I see the light and I would NEVER EVER make that "family" choose me over another but  being second still hurts.

Before my uncle killed himself he once said to me "you aren't like the others" and I smiled because I half knew what he meant. When he died I fully knew what he meant. I am strong yet weak. I care to much and pretend to not care at all. I want to fix all the wrongs of the world but never go outside. I will always, always miss him and I will always hate that I can't be "real" enough to say what needs to be said to my family about that whole mess because I know it would kill them. I saw it from a perspective that they did not which is why I am "not like the others" so I guess I will continue to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for a little while longer while I continue to figure out the real me.....