Blessing and Curse

I think I have a habit of reading to much into things, I feel with every ounce of my being so it is hard to let things go. I went away once and when I came home I heard " I'm glad your back, I don't know how to be alone" I am sure that is not what was meant but what stings it that I was never told I was missed but my "body" was missed. They now had to do the laundry, clean the house, deal with the dogs and bills. I wanted to be missed because I make them laugh or because they can't imagine life without me or even simply that they miss ME, not the human presence of me but me as a person.  In the weeks I was gone I did not  get one call that I did not initiate and not one email or text that wasn't about the bills or a problem that needed my input and that just doesn't seem right to me. I wait all day for him to come home and run errands with me and instead of understanding that I want his company all I get is why do I have to go - can't this be done during the day??? Yes it could no doubt about it, I certainly know how to drive and pay for my groceries but I like the company because when we are home it's all about playing games on the phone or staying in another room and not even realizing there are 3 other people here. I get accused of treating the dog better but honestly it is hard not to - the dog is always glad to see me, pays attention to me - he knows when I am happy because he wags his tail when I sing and he knows when I am sad because he doesn't leave my side. He knows me and loves me for me - happy, sad and crazy me he loves me for me.

I went to a funeral of a dear dear friend recently and I cant tell you how many times I heard how much he loved his wife, this of course was no secret but how wonderful to know so many people remember that about you. They were always doing things together and he worshipped the ground she walks on. I long for someone to worship me, to do stuff with me because they want to, not because I "make" them. I sit and think what would happen if I left and what happens if I stay and I am so lost. My friends question my sanity and I remind myself this is the trial in my life that I chose so there must be a reason but deep down I wonder where I went. The me that laughed and sang out loud and didn't care. Now I spend my days with the curtains closed and praying someone notices how lonely  I am. I am homesick for my family and friends who seem to be busy living and forget that it's nice to be noticed. I wasn't even invited to my brother's wedding and that was such a blow to me after all I had done for him and it made me question what is wrong with me that my own family doesn't see me but than I realized that they never did. I see posts on facebook that they are glad all the siblings are together or how they have great sisters and I am always the one missing from the picture, tag or get together. Over Christmas my sister went out with her friends after telling me we could do something, I waited and waited and she never came. I only found out because she slipped when she was talking to my grandma.  I know that it may seem petty but it goes back to both the blessing and curse of feeling so deeply about everything. I have such a big heart and tend to keep my  mouth closed so my words don't cut someone like words cut me. I hold it all in because I know what it is like to hear hurtful things and I don't want that for anyone.

I am loud and a bit crazy, I would rather go out to eat than cook and sleep rather than clean but I don't think this makes me a bad person. These things all get done just not always on a schedule. I have been known to do laundry at midnight and dishes after the late news but in my book all that matters is that it gets done, not what time of day I do it.  I want someone to admire that I stop to help strangers and give my own gloves to homeless people when I see them without because I know I have more at home. I don't want it to be seen as an inconvenience because I stopped the car to help out someone in an accident or took longer at the store because I was holding the door for someone who was slow to reach it. I think those things about me are good and rare and they are what make me who I am. I want to solve everyone's problems and can't help but feel sorry for those who have less than me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I read into what is said because I believe it isn't always what you say but how you say it and the tone of "I am glad your back" can say so much more than those silly little words.